Clean
It's been almost one year since the day we both decided to part ways. We did our best to work it out. We tried to hold on to it as tight as we could, but it came to an end. Like a shot. It had to. Months of crying, forcing myself to be okay, faking my smile so that no one would notice—it was a day-to-day survival. It got to a point where I could no longer recognize myself; I stopped being myself. Everyday, I would pray to God to take the pain away because it was debilitating and I could no longer handle it. I asked for the audacity to carry on because much as I starved for an escape, I knew that the only way out is to get through it.
In search of clarity, I laid down all the questions in my mind that demanded to be answered. Why did God allow such thing to happen? Why me? How could something so beautiful come to an end without even the slightest hint? It was all gone. Like a perfect storm that swept away all the imagined possibilities, leaving nothing but a trace of what used to exist.
In the middle of my confusion, I was reminded of a Bible verse on pruning: "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." (John 15:2)
I realized that things happened the way they should. God allowed me to go through such pain to shape me into the woman that He wants me to be. Yes, I was broken apart into tiny little pieces, but the pieces were complete, waiting to be put back together one piece at a time.
So here I am one year after that turning point in my life: grieving BUT STILL STANDING. Weak BUT STILL FIGHTING. Broken BUT STILL ALIVE. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for what God has done in my life. He turned my pain around and used it for my own good. Wounds turned to wisdom, and sorrow turned to strength. I was pruned to give way to new things—a new heart and a new me. I can now confidently say that I've moved forward. I've finally let go of all my bottled up emotions—that pain, that loneliness, that confusion. All the shattered parts of me have mended. I've forgiven him and I hope he's forgiven me too. It took me a long time before I got healed, but every second was worth it. I don't know what would have happened if we ended up together, but I'm certain that God is up to something beautiful. His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. If it weren't for that experience, I wouldn't be the person that I am now. I've become wiser, stronger, and I'd like to believe, more mature. Nothing compares to the joy that I have now because it's not a worldly kind of joy. It's no longer superficial. It's just overflowing, really. Like even if I stay single for the next few years, I wouldn't mind. The love that comes from my God is more than enough. No one else can make me feel whole and complete. His love blows me away.
So yes, this is the last time I'll write about him. I think I'm finally clean.
In search of clarity, I laid down all the questions in my mind that demanded to be answered. Why did God allow such thing to happen? Why me? How could something so beautiful come to an end without even the slightest hint? It was all gone. Like a perfect storm that swept away all the imagined possibilities, leaving nothing but a trace of what used to exist.
In the middle of my confusion, I was reminded of a Bible verse on pruning: "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." (John 15:2)
I realized that things happened the way they should. God allowed me to go through such pain to shape me into the woman that He wants me to be. Yes, I was broken apart into tiny little pieces, but the pieces were complete, waiting to be put back together one piece at a time.
So here I am one year after that turning point in my life: grieving BUT STILL STANDING. Weak BUT STILL FIGHTING. Broken BUT STILL ALIVE. I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for what God has done in my life. He turned my pain around and used it for my own good. Wounds turned to wisdom, and sorrow turned to strength. I was pruned to give way to new things—a new heart and a new me. I can now confidently say that I've moved forward. I've finally let go of all my bottled up emotions—that pain, that loneliness, that confusion. All the shattered parts of me have mended. I've forgiven him and I hope he's forgiven me too. It took me a long time before I got healed, but every second was worth it. I don't know what would have happened if we ended up together, but I'm certain that God is up to something beautiful. His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. If it weren't for that experience, I wouldn't be the person that I am now. I've become wiser, stronger, and I'd like to believe, more mature. Nothing compares to the joy that I have now because it's not a worldly kind of joy. It's no longer superficial. It's just overflowing, really. Like even if I stay single for the next few years, I wouldn't mind. The love that comes from my God is more than enough. No one else can make me feel whole and complete. His love blows me away.
So yes, this is the last time I'll write about him. I think I'm finally clean.
